Hello, Friend!
Isn't life hectic these days?
How often have you wished you could spend less time hunched over your computer
and more time getting on with some of the important things in life?
Like spending some quality time with your family.
Or just having a well-deserved laugh with some good friends.
Well, keep reading, because you're about to get your life back.
Welcome to the world of Præmus.
It's the cheaper, faster and better way of using the internet.
From the moment you log on, you'll be amazed at all the benefits Præmus provides.
So, how does it work?
Well, it's simplicity itself, not to mention a lot of fun.
Just take a moment to familiarise yourself with our easy-to-understand manual
and in no time at all you're ready to go.
What makes Præmus really special is the Præmus connection unit.
Made from titanium alloy,
the unit employs an easy-install system, known as Light Touch,
so you can get started almost immediately
What are you waiting for?
Præmus is the fastest-growing system on the market today.
So there's every reason to join up now.
And while you're at it, why not send a friend this message?
Come on, Bonkers.
Ss-ss-ss. Come on.
Oh, stuff you.
OK.
Dear Sir/Madam,
I am writing to you concerning my Præmus system, which I have recently purchased
First of all, the bill, which I received yesterday.
It claimed that in one week I have accumulated over 200 hours of online time.
Also, since installing the unit, I have experienced a number of problems.
These include monitor vibration,
sudden bursts of static electricity,
and constant and inexplicable screen shutdowns.
No, no, no, no!
Oh, you f...
Bollocks!
All this has resulted in my doing much of my work, including writing this email,
at my local internet café.
Please help!
Dear Mr Ward,
thank you for your recent correspondence.
We are sorry to hear that you have been having difficulties with your Præmus system.
As this is the first complaint of this kind we have received,
we must assume that the fault does not lie with the Præmus unit.
Have you tried turning the system off and on again?
Dear Sir/Madam, how exactly do you turn the Præmus system off?
There doesn't seem to be a way of doing so.
The man who normally helps me with the computer is unfamiliar with the unit
and is reluctant to get involved
What are you scared of? Come on.
At the risk of repeating myself, I need some help.
Dear Mr Ward,
we are sorry you continue to have problems with the Præmus system.
Inside the panel on the back of the unit you should find the following colour coding.
Red wire - output.
Green wire - input. Yellow wire - earth.
Brown wire - modem interface 1.
Rust wire - modem interface 2
Do not confuse brown wire with rust wire.
White wire - system's mode out.
Cream wire - four-line bihertz unit.
Brown and rust combined wire - high-voltage interface.
Dear Sir/Madam, I attempted to remove the cover to get at the wiring
but in so doing was severely burned by the Præmus symbol, which had overheated
What's going on? You can't help me but you keep sending me bills.
My wife has suggested I drop the whole thing,
but I'm worried removing the unit without uninstalling the software
will damage my hard drive.
Please help.
John!
Dear Mr Ward,
we understand you've attempted to access the wiring of one of our units.
We must advise you that any damage to the Præmus unit will result in legal action.
What? To the Præmus unit? What about my hand?
Besides, you were the ones who told me to fiddle with the wires.
And maybe you can answer this.
Two days ago I noticed what I can only describe as a drinking sound
coming from the unit.
Could that be connected to the £8,000 that has since disappeared from my bank account?
£8,000!
Dear Sir/Madam,
I sent off your original email to everyone in my address book as you suggested
To my horror, all my friends are now living the Præmus nightmare.
Your company is a disgrace. You are a disgrace.
Yours disgustedly, John Ward
PS. Could you please sign me up for Præmus life insurance?
Dear John, have you thought of sticking the Præmus unit up your arse?
Give it a go. Meanwhile, I'm taking a trip with Alice. Don't try to contact us.
Dear Mrs Ward,
the entire staff of Præmus were deeply saddened
At the news of your husband's sudden heart attack.
He was a valued customer,
and his correspondence with our technical people here
gave us many helpful pointers on how to improve the Præmus service.
Please send him our best wishes.
Oh, bloody thing!
We should write a letter to these people.